Contents

Quips & Quotes

Signs you're not one of the better climbers in town

Signs you've chosen the wrong Mount Everest guide

Clues your climbing partner might be dangerous

How to tell a Power Bar from a Dog Turd

You know you're a trad climber when...

Top 10 excuses for being a climber

Clues you need a new partner

Peel 'n Stick Pitons

Lord of the Rock: Gollum Climbing

• Climbing is hard, but it is easier than growing up.
• No mistakes or big pancakes!
• Make that move or six foot groove!
• What goes up must come down -- hopefully on rappel.
• There were no holds so I had to use skill.
• Place well thy protection lest the earth rise up and swallow thee.
• Remember, if you die we split your gear.
• Quit your job!  Get some stuff.  Go somewhere.  Have some fun!
• C'mon dude!  Pretend you don't suck.

• You climbed 5.8 your first day climbing, and 8 years later a 5.4 lead still scares the bejeezus out of you.
• You're mad that 5.2 doesn't have the a/b/c/d modifiers for better delineating the subtleties of this tricky grade.
• You know every pitch and every move of the Nose, but the most you've ever done is scramble halfway up the 3rd class approach, got scared, and climbed back down.
• The exposure in your local gym terrifies you.
• The only thought you have before a big climb is "How am I gonna get Joe to lead all the pitches?"
• You fall off the front steps of the gym
• You freeze at the crux and the little kids yell at you to "Stop hogging the sliding board"
• People ask if you're a park ranger.
• The best finger jam you've had was when you slammed your hand in the car door.
• You've had to be rescued off a top-rope.
• Your partner regularly hauls you up on a Z-pully.
• Favorite call to your belayer: "Tension!"
• You decide a route is rated 5.2 A0.
• Can't cross the talus field without a belay.
• Your team uses you to "test" for avalanche stability.
• You've chopped the rope with your axe while ice climbing.

• You often hear the faint clinking of Tequila bottles whenever he racks up.
• Complains about cigarette burns making his rope "a bitch" to rappel on.
• Commands such as "Slack" and "Tension" must often be prefaced with "HEY! WAKE UP!".
• Always 20 minutes late because he has to unwind climbing rope from Jeep winch.
• On first night out in double portaledge, awakens you at 3am wondering "hypothetically" if Spectra would be damaged by spilled battery acid.
• Been known to extol the virtues of the high-speed Dulfersitz.
• Uses the words "granny knot" and "bomber" in the same sentence.
• After fifth pitch, asks for water to wash down the Prozac.
• Mentions wanting to buy new pro while thumbing through hardware store sale flyer.
• Prefers clapping to give encouragement while belaying.

• The last three days, all you've had to eat is s'mores.
• Every morning greets the group with, "Wonder who'll die today?"
• Doesn't worry about provisions, as there's bound to be a Starbucks or McDonald's every half mile or so.
• Gets lost in the "Sherpa Shack" gift shop.
• Makes everyone do upside down shots off the St. Bernard's collar.
• First day's preparation devoted entirely to making snow angels.
• Every 10 minutes, stops and yells, "RICOLA."
• Throws a fit when her stiletto heel gets stuck in the ice.
• Has everyone stick their tongues to a cherry popsicle "for practice."
• Keeps repeating, "Is it me, or is it cold up here?"
• "Map, schmap -- you see the top from here!!"
• Two words: Golf Clubs.
• Forgets to wear socks with his sandals.
• Keeps using the oxygen tanks to make balloon animals.
• Every so often, turns and screams, "Stop following me!"
• Squeezes your ass then yells, "Hey, if we get stranded we can live off Tubby here for a week!"

• Power Bars cost $1.75. Dog turds are free.
• Power Bars have shiny wrappers. Dog turds don't.
• A fly will eat a dog turd. Have you ever seen a fly eat a Power Bar.
• Dog Turds get slippery when wet.
• Power Bars come in five delicious (yeah - right!) flavors. Dog turds only come in one.
• Dog turds won't damage your lawn mower blade. The jury is still out on Power Bars.
• You won't find Power Bars all over your favorite hiking trail.
• Dog turds are made of naturally occurring substances.
• Dog turds are biodegradable.
• There was no Dog Turd International Women's Challenge this year.
• You don't have to go to Idaho to tour the Dog Turd Factory.
• You can't use a dog turd as an emergency shoe resole.

all your draws are 12" long * your kid climbs harder than you do * you've worn out a set of cams * there is scar tissue on the back of your hands * you shave the back of your hands * you've got old tape gloves lying around * you quit sport climbing because you can't do any of the routes * you see lots of sunrises on your climbing trips * you say, "what?" when your leader says, "take!" * you can wear your climbing shoes all day * you enjoy guilt-free eating * you don't know what your body-fat % is * you ask your partner how much water to bring along * you do a first ascent and report the names of both members in your party * you drop your belay device and you still know how to belay * you read back-issues of mountain gazette * you know how to turn a crack 'n up into a beak * you know what a beak is * you wake up at 2:00am to go climbing * your drill uses a hammer * you take a nap in the middle of a climb * you spend three hours removing a fixed cam * you don't want beta * you think a bong is a type of piton * you remember when climbing gear didn't have springs * you take a forty footer * you summit a desert tower * you still use a gear sling * there is a holster on your harness * you rappel six pitches in the dark * you rappel six pitches in the snow * you drill from a stance * you own a hammer and a haul bag * you have sex on a belay ledge * you're on day 2 of a sport climbing trip and you can't remember what you did on day 1 * you drop your water bottle and it takes five seconds to hit * your rack is worth more than your car * your best memories are from the epics you've had * you have a great day of climbing then find out you didn't do the route you thought you did * you spend a night hanging in slings * you miss work on monday because you epic'd on sunday * a whole block of chalk fits in your chalk bag * you dump your boyfriend because he just doesn't get it * you wear out a set of jugs * you drive all night so you can climb all day * you drive all night because you climbed all day * you're up so high the trees look like broccoli * your rack of pins is heavier than your rack of draws * your slings have knots in them * you know who larry penberthy is * you know the difference between a copperhead and a circlehead * you think "beta" is a video format * you can shit and and belay at the same time * you wear socks in your climbing shoes * a long approach doesn't discourage you from a good climb * you coil your rope * you've set up a belay with the only piece of gear left on your rack

Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgement. John Fullbright

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10. "My spare tire now belongs on a Caterpillar."
  9. "My Mother-in-law is in town."
  8. "My boss is in town."
  7. "My neighbor is in town."
  6. "I was on the way to the grocery store and
       suddenly, I was on the side of this mountain!"
  5. "I'm a masochist."
  4. "I got addicted back in college."
  3. "My doctor told me to stop working so hard."
  2. "No, really. I like Powerbars."
  1. "The Devil made me do it!"

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As you get ready to rappel down the rope, you look up and watch your partner slowly undo your anchor.

As you complete the route (on a top-rope) and you say "I'm ready to come down"  your back hits the ground before you can think.

Your partner says "Lets call it a day." after climbing for 5 minutes.

On a 5.2 route, your partner says, "OK! I'm ready to come down." not realizing that he is still on the ground.

He picks a route for you to lead that has 3 pockets that happen to also contain wasp nests.

He hates to train or practice because it is too hard, yet he also hates to climb because it is too hard.

In the middle of the climb he drops 1 $60 cam, 2 $8 stoppers, 1 $180 rope, OH YEA! and 1 partner.

When he hangs on something his arms tear off due to a weight overload.

He can do -180 pull ups.

His idea of a training day is sitting on the couch with a movie going as he gorges himself with chips and other high fat foods.

When in the gym he needs a 100 foot rope so he can reach the snack bar while tied in.

Pays $10 to get in to the gym, pays $30 for food.

He keeps chips and other junk food in his chalk bag.  That's why he always says "Take me while I chalk up!"

The only way to untie his knots is with a hatchet.

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